Do You Have a Favourite Child?
One of the ultimate parenting taboos seems to be weakening. But should we really be living in truth with our golden child?
As the mother of two boys, both in the clutch of a near-constant game of one-upmanship (trying to corroborate who is ‘best’ at literally anything including drinking through a straw, trampolining on my stomach, stuffing plasticine in plugs etc etc.) I am often put on the spot as to which of them is my preferred offspring. ‘Do you like him more than me?’ is a common refrain. Without doubt, at six, my first knows what he’s asking and is highly attuned to the response. My stock in trade is always, ‘I love you both differently but equally.’ While that generally elicits an eye roll (where these children learn the sass), it is true. About the only thing that will change the conversation is the admission that I love them both more than their dad. A small victory, but a victory, nonetheless.
Hand on heart, I would be scuppered by Sophie’s Choice. In fact, I think I’d have to toss a coin. Obviously on some days, I have poignant moments with one of them and you cannot help but place a halo over a singular head as it touches your heart. I’d love to be able to say that on some days one of the lads is better behaved than the other so garners a bit more preference, but frankly, they’re both as wayward as each other, so I can’t really discriminate between them on that front. Of course, they are very different creatures, and perhaps as they grow their disparities will become more notable and I’ll connect to varying extents with each of them. Perhaps I would feel differently if I had a daughter in the mix too. But at this stage of the game - much to their chagrin - they’re even Steven when it comes to my undying affection.
What has surprised me is how apparently, I’m in the minority on this one. A US longitudinal Within Family Differences study, surveyed hundreds of parents and in response to the question ‘which of your children do you feel emotionally closest to?’ 75% of mothers named one child (last-born children were the most likely to be mentioned). It’s not just academic papers making the case for sibling preference. Avid watchers of the Kardashians will recall Kris Jenner’s catchphrase, ‘you’re my favourite’ (though admittedly, she says it to all of her daughters) and the moment when Kim happily admitted that her son Saint was her own golden child. Several of my friends are open – at least in a jokey way - about their favourites. I do my darndest to keep my judgement on this point to myself and look, we all have to live in our own truth. I just can’t help feeling that it’s not that funny. While favouritism may be natural and not something to feel ashamed of – none of us can help who we click with, and chemistry is chemistry after all – showing preferential treatment or letting your children in on your feelings can be as catastrophic as it has been since time immemorial.
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