Forget Confidence, Steadfastness is a Far More Realistic Goal

It’s been a huge week professionally and I've been splintered with self-doubt. Fortunately, I received some sage advice on nailing your goals even as your self worth takes a nosedive

Earlier this week, while transcribing an interview I’d done with a very successful female businesswoman, a 100W lightbulb switched on in my mind. During our conversation I’d wanted to explore how she had found and built her confidence, especially during the early years of her career. Her responses to my questions gave me pause for thought. Confidence, in her estimation, was actually not that important. In fact, she admitted to all sorts of crises of confidence along her journey, especially at the beginning. Her success, she explained wasn’t really based on her own self value and worth —it was more her ability to put her feelings about herself (which were often deeply critical) aside and plough steadfastly forward, never wavering from her original goal. She wasn’t a confident young woman; it didn’t matter.

Confidence is, we are told, king. Without this superpower, we are schooled to believe we will be less successful in every single walk of life. Henry Ford's famous quote, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right," demonstrates the self-fulfilling nature of confidence and there are reams of scientific and psychological papers proving the extent to which confidence can enhance our physical and mental capabilities and achievements.

In contrast, steadfastness is rarely mentioned. For sure, it isn’t as marketable as confidence with all of its validating messages of self-love and gaining everything which you deserve. But mastering the knack of looking neither left nor right, not allowing the infernal internal voice to knock you off course is something which can help you cut through along so many different gradients. I personally find the idea of learning to put the blinkers on far more realistic than the dream of one day possessing an absolutely impenetrable sense of personal esteem. Confidence is great, but she is an extremely fickle beast. I would say that I am an above averagely confident women, but I fall off that pedestal all the bloody time, toppled by one self-doubting crisis after another. It is impossible to keep constantly upright when so many elements of the world around us seem devised to make us feel crappy about something we have done or said or thought. Whether its parenting or professional, amongst our families or friends, within our bodies or our minds…those whispers of doubt never disappear completely. Especially when we are vulnerable.

In practice, steadfastness is of course, not exactly easy. Remaining stalwart in the face adversity is no mean feat, but what I like about it is the aspect of resoluteness and dutiful firmness. It is your responsibility and burden to keep the compass pointing due north, no matter what comes your way. There’s something very Frodo about that. Anyway, as bad luck would have it, halfway through the week, I got caught up in a major attack of self-doubt. There were all sorts of reasons, not least a fortnight of very limited sleep, but the wobble was mostly based on the fact that I’d worked my guts off for an as yet unannounced project and the penny finally dropped that at some point other people were going to see it. Dagger to the stomach kind of stuff. My mind began to whirl, circling all the different criticisms and critiques that could be made about my project, about my taste, about my opinions, about my looks, about me just in general. At the same time, there was the adult side of my brain, chastising me for being so self-regarding—'no-one is going to care’—and for allowing these voices to mess with me at all. I’m supposed to be past this, and I know what other people think about me isn’t my business at all. It was a cacophony of loud messages which contributed to a few days of burning anxiety. One of the reasons I like ghost-writing is that I get to work and earn money without having to put myself out there at all. This project is the exact opposite of that. Our culture can be incredibly intimidating for anyone, but for women to bare any element of their soul for public consumption can be particularly tough. The reality is that the outcome isn’t always worth it and I started to feel that maybe I’d made a mistake even thinking about embarking on the endeavour.

For whatever reason, on Friday morning I woke up with the words from the interview ringing through my ears. Self doubt is natural and every single person has the voices. But by reframing it as one of the hurdles that I had to swerve to keep unwaveringly to my course, I was able turn the volume down. It helped me go back to my original intentions with the project and reconnect with why I started the whole thing in the first place. It reminded me that I still feel passionate about it and that I believe it will connect with other people. Nothing any of us do will ever please everyone, you can’t represent every kind of taste or lifestyle or background. You can only be true to your own creative vision and belief system. For me, this project is authentic in every sense, and that is the trophy. End of story.

Recognising that the voices in my head are just like the many other impediments I’ve already ducked to push this train through has really helped me manage them. True, it’s easier in so many ways to deal with external blockers, targeting decision makers, networking and knocking incessantly on doors until you gain momentum towards your goals. Because even if you believe in yourself, you are still the biggest hurdle to your own success. Learning to park that noise, to allow it to exist but to totally compartmentalise it to another place far, far away from your ambitions is something which we should all be encouraged to do. Our confidence can abandon us, but it doesn’t mean we can’t keep working towards our goals. Going forward, you can be assured that I will be doubting myself all the goddamn time. I’ll just be locking it all up in a box and getting on with making papier mâché masks and scalloped shelving, aka the task at hand. Crisis averted.