Ever Find Yourself Swearing in Front of Your Kids?

And why we maybe shouldn't—though not for the reasons you might think.

Photo by Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash

Sitting atop his big brother’s bunk, a curly haired boy with peanut butter smeared from his right ear to lip repeats the same, single syllable with perfect enunciation. Akin to a machine gun, the staccato fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck echoes down the staircase through my mind and out on to the street for all to hear and judge. ‘Maaaaaaum! Ripley’s saying the F-word again,’ screams the elder lad, as vigilant as a bodyguard. The way children police each other and delight in watching consequences delivered (the word punishment being very 2002) is disquieting. Nothing pleases either of them more than seeing the other in trouble, schadenfreude in its most juvenile, primitive form.

Our big boy was always wary of swear words and even now when he accidentally hears one, a shadow crosses his face. He also feels compelled to report it to me. ‘Those two builders with the tops of their bums showing said the F-word just then.’ Oh dear, I say. How unspeakably rude. ‘Mum, the F-word is in our house.’ Not possible I say, instantly remembering that I do indeed have a tiny ceramic artwork which says ‘FUCK YOUR SEATING PLAN’ hidden in my dining room. What was meant to be a knowingly ironic giggle is now deeply implicating. Damn that education system for teaching them to read.

Despite the lack of parental decorum when it comes to my taste in art, my firstborn has never tested me on swear words. Instead, he says, ‘biscuits’ à la Bluey whenever he wants to profane, which is of course deeply endearing. Cut to child two and the situation is quite different. What is it with this second kid energy? Last weekend we unzipped his coat to find a stolen toy squirreled inside his Uniqlo puffer. I’ve never struggled with laying down boundaries, but he genuinely seems not to care about any kind of retribution. Sure, he says, give my toys away to charity, cancel my birthday party and ban me from all screens this month. Gizza shit. When the bad consequences fail to register, why not make bad choices? Why does the manual not cover this scenario?

Which brings us to the swearing. And just to be clear, he’s not just sing song swearing, he’s also swearing in context. As in fuck off. Obviously, the biggest problem is that children swearing makes people laugh. I understand the hilarity. It’s the sheer brazen inappropriateness. Anomalous is the word. Though I will say that personally, I don’t guffaw, not even one percent. And that is because it skewers my parental self-belief like a doner kebab.